President Hu Jintao General Secretary of the Communist Party of China has refused to release his 2010 and 2011 tax returns Payton manning famous American quarterback rumored to be looking at China for a new football league says it’s like walking on egg rolls around China right now
Mitt Romney Newt Gingrich Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are still drawing nice crowds to their debates They are doing so well in fact the GOP has decided to expand the debate schedule They will debate Mahmoud Ahmedinejad in Tehran February twelfth Kim Jung-un in Pyongyang March seventeenth Vladimir Putin in historic Stalingrad March twenty-eighth and Miss Armstrong’s fifth grade class at Jefferson grade school in Decatur Illinois April seventh Debate memorabilia and bags of kettle corn will be made available for sale at all the debates
President Bashar al- Assad has decided not to run in the GOP Florida primary When asked to comment Sarah Palin is reported to have remarked that she had never heard of this President Bash Ass before
Factory worker A can produce twenty-four widgets in an eight hour shift Factory worker B can produce thirty-two widgets in an eight hour shift How many days will it take Mitt Romney to buy up the factory ship the machinery to China convert the factory to an indoor skating rink and fire workers A and B
Are you sick with a cold Is your auto-immune system smashed upon the rocks Chicken soup not working Tried voodoo medicine to no avail Do you have that nagging cough over and over again Hour after hour Coughing and coughing All of Western medicine acupuncture transcendental meditation herbs potions all failed That cough That nagging cough persists It is dragging you down We have the cure We can stop that nagging cough Not in three to four days Not in two hours and not in twenty to thirty minutes but instantly Yes instantly No elixirs syrups capsules tablets or injections either Smith Brothers Cough Drops You must be kidding You got the wrong bunch of Smiths What you need is Smith and Wesson The instant cure Never cough again It’s Smith and Wesson guaranteed to stop that nagging cough instantly Smith and Wesson known to work the world over Stops that barking dog Eliminates those noisy neighbors Smith and Wesson Try it Give it a shot Your relatives and friends will thank you a lot Smith and Wesson aims to help
Here we are in an awful terrible state of affairs world wide We have starvation famine even in every corner of the globe Disease is rampant HIV malaria out brakes of E-coli salmonella etc Children are under educated poorly housed clothed abandoned We have crop failures global warming wars territorial disputes man’s inhumanity towards his fellow man on display everywhere you look In the midst of all this Coca Cola this giant multimillion dollar company operating across the globe is mounting a campaign to save the polar bears Save the polar bears A little girl with a bloated stomach is crying herself to sleep somewhere in Africa flies all over her face in a mud hut with no sanitary facilities and Coca Cola is concerned about polar bears
Now I lay me down to sleep These are the things I wish to keep Sassafras a mountain pass people to harass and people who are crass Walleye catfish and bass Scoundrels generals greasy grills lots and lots of frills an Algonquin a Comanche Dizzy Gillespie Bix Beiberbecke a journey a trek your shoulder your neck protocol last call early fall and I would like to keep the Acropolis even people who are monogamous who are kinda monotonous and too votes that are unanimous I think I would like to retain alms dessert palms all the psalms window blinds Earl Fatha Hines contemporary designs rare exciting finds Tripoli Monopoly all those pastries by Sarah Lee natural supplements gratifying compliments creme de mints those hood ornaments all the earth’s rare elements certain tribal adornments an encyclopedia mixed media bumper crops Broadway hits and flops destinations and routine stops suckers and lollypops It would be good to retain a chimpanzee the Zuider Zee all those baubles from Tiffany an upset a coup deja vu dolls that cry boo hoo a Belgian shepherd a husky a Grand Mufti a trustee a turn key a massacre a thorn a burr a runaway a stowaway bridges that sway a parfait and I suppose people out on parole a gnome a troll and your shoe’s heel and sole parcheesi recipes that are real easy Doc Grumpy Happy and Sneezy your palate a mallet a shallot dark curses beautifully written verses and overworked nurses Then there’s injections objections rejections various cross sections and them regularly scheduled trash collections an asteroid an astroid a cactoid typhoid a factoid carcasses crocesses canvasses illnesses and there’s always surprise witnesses Let us keep in mind brigands walk-ins break ins the Trocadero bone marrow Will Farrow Marilyn Monroe Cabernet and Merlot Gettysburg and Shiloh your noggin a toboggan band stands name brands hand stands your kidneys stuff that is Sidney’s fondue rentals past due revenue stakes that are porterhouse chemicals used to delouse fires out there that we need to douse a blog a pollywog a London fog your intestines cookie tins flavored gins carcinogens plankton coccovan trilogies soliloquies sweet Louise civil unrest Budapest and there’s also a bird’s nest Let’s include here antioxidants co-incidents oral rinse the Department of Defense all those predators those creditors all those editors Burlington Lexington Arlington plus we have disposable syringes alcoholics on binges indigents living on the fringes tongue depressors college professors hair dressers as well as counter-espionage a hodge podge a Chrysler and a Dodge and all them informers reformers conformers performers and all them gables eves and dormers We got here your references your preferences make-believe your shoulder your sleeve people who are prone to deceive pain remedies that relieve toothpaste industrial waste a choker your broker seven card poker gibberish loads of licorice a blemish lots and lots of rubbish your essence your scent your landlord your rent and an apartief and all those poor souls consumed with grief and a synopsis a brief Finally I would like to hold on to those severe conditions that produce mishaps those in which you are apt to relapse and those conditions in which your mind snaps
What if at the very beginning YES meant NO and No meant Yes How would you conduct yourself What would be your guess
Yes It’s a miracle A bloody miracle I’ve been reborn I’ve seen the light I have heard the word Now I understand I can see a new path A new awareness There are new opportunities new challenges ahead New experiences New relationships New mistakes New failures OH GOD ! WHERE DID I PUT MY GUN !